I'm Sorry Sir, this is the non-smoking section.

For the past 14 years I have been a pack-a-day smoker. I picked them up one day in high school and never looked back. All the cool kids were doing it, why couldn't I? Last week, after a friend of mine had successfully quit, and told me he didn't want to hang out with me as much because the temptation was too much for him, I decided to put them down. My wife has been wanting to quit forever, so she is doing it to. I've got the support of everyone that I know, and am going to be using this blog to make posts on how I am feeling, and what I am going through.

Day 1: Time since last cigarette: 11 hours, 2 mins. Physical Sensations: Head is hazy, Body wants to smoke, but no pain in stomach. The urges are not as bad as I thought they would be. Hands are shaking, but that could be from the OD of coffee this morning. Mental State: determined, but still wanting.

You do not realize, until you cannot smoke, how much of your daily routine is built around cigarettes. My morning routine usually consists of rolling out of bed, putting some clothes on, taking the dogs out and smoking while they are in the yard. I then come in, feed them, fix coffee and have another. I work from home, so when the wife leaves about an hour later, I come in, fire up the email, twitter and other things and go outside and have another cigarette while I am waiting on all of that. I come in, answer all of the emails I need to answer, do a little paperwork and then, about this time of the day, I have another cigarette while I am waiting on my boss to call.

You get what I am trying to say. The problem is that soooooo much of my daily routine is bound by what I am trying to quit. Right now I am getting my nicotine through other routes, easier routes for me to quit. I still want to taste a cigarette, but I don't feel the need for nicotine. I've heard the first few days are the hardest. I will keep you posted.

I'm Thankful

I've been wanting to write this post for weeks now. Like all my other great ideas, this one came while I was in the shower. I started thinking about what I was thankful for.

First and foremost, I am thankful for my wife. She is there to love me, hate me, uplift me, belittle me, share my biggest fears and my happiest occasions. She is my partner, best friend, confidant and lover.

I'm thankful for my Dad. Without him I wouldn't be as resourceful and loving as I am now. I didn't see what you wanted to teach me when I was younger, but my eyes are open now, thank you.

I'm thankful for Dave, he was the other father influence in my life and what some people miss out on because their one father couldn't give them, I had two that could show me what good men are supposed to be from different angles.

I'm thankful for my grandmother, Mammaw Steed, who showed me that no matter what your situation in life is, whether you are dieing of cancer, or just watched your grandson paint his brother from head-to-toe in housepaint, you have to laugh; because if you cannot laugh about something, it is not a lesson learned.

I'm thankful for my college friends, who, although we can be separated for years at a time, when we get together, it seems like yesterday.

I'm thankful for Becky, who enlightened my life and showed me that men and women can be friends, and who opened my world up to new things and new feelings.

I'm thankful for Matt, one person now, that I have, that I can share a beer and all my feelings with at the same time, without having to worry about being looked down upon.

To my new twitter friends, I have to split into two groups:

Firstly, my locals, starting with Ryan and Holly, the first people I met off of here that grew to a tight knit group of friends (you all know who you are). Thank you. We come from all different backgrounds, but we seem to meet in the middle.

Secondly, to my girls. Kerri, who I met first, but introduced me to Rachel, Veronika, Lanie and Ruby Sandwich (although she has become captain random on twitter): I am very thankful for you four. It is never a dull moment and I love the fun that we have.

I think we all become selfish at times and forget to thank the people in our lives that mean the most. Last weekend, on father's day, I hugged my dad and told him thank you. I think we all need to do that to the important people every once in a while.

Hey Guys, what's been going on?

I love sharing my life with y'all via my blog. I just don't have the time to ever sit down and write on the damned thing. I try to make them gems though, when I do post.

Let me start off with the dream last night. I dreamt (sp) that I was at a jewelry store in a strip mall and they were setting up for a wedding in there (classy huh?). I knew everyone there, I knew it was supposed to be a wedding, but I did not know who was getting married. I was sitting there, talking to my old friends from high school and such when I saw the bride. The bride-to-be was my Her. My ex-girlfriend. We dated for 4 years after high school, and I broke her heart by cheating on her with some other chick for 6 months. After we broke up I found my wife now, and we are married, but we still communicate from time to time, mostly its her randomly emailing me about her not being able to ever trust a man again. She's married now, so this dream is weird. It's also weird because I never dream, but this was an all night thing.

Back on topic. I went to go talk with her and congratulate her for getting married and we ended up talking about the days that we were dating and how much we have changed since then. Then she kissed me. Me, being single, in the dream, kissed her back, when it was over, I said good luck and turned and walked back to where everyone was sitting for the wedding. The wedding started and she stopped it halfway down the isle, turned and ran out crying. The wedding was over. Everyone left and I got a phone call from her crying saying how much she wanted to be together and then my alarm went off.

I don't analyze dreams or anything like that, but it was fucked up. My dreams are always fucked up.

Big Spender

To preface this post, I want to start by saying I love food. I love trying out new restaurants and try to frequent, as much as possible, locally owned places. This weekend, my wife and I went to two different restaurants, the first was one that we have been to before, but this time, something awesome happened. We went in, it was a Mexican restaurant, and were seated. Our waiter came up, and it was a white guy. Around here, that doesn't happen. The food was okay, but the service was what stood out. The waiter never let our drinks get empty, he was polite, courteous and suggested a few new things that we try out. It was by far the best experience I had ever had in a Mexican restaurant, and we tipped him as so. The bill was $20, I left another $20 for the tip.

Now, let me tell you about last night. There is a new, local place that everyone has been raving about. The concept is great. You walk in and are seated at a table, at the table is a touchscreen computer where you place your order, order refills and play games while you wait. Foolproof right? Wrong. We sat down and placed our first order, 2 Cokes and a order or potato skins. Our drinks came out promptly and we played games while we waited for the skins. 40 mins later, I'm starving (and when I get starving, I get pissy, like, realy, realy, realy pissy) and our waitress brings another refill of drinks I ask her about my skins. She gives me a puzzled look, and says she will go back and check. Now, when you order, you place your order on the screen and it goes to the back, they look at the order and fill it. So I would guess that there is no way to miscommunicate anything and I know that it didnt get lost because my drinks came. Needless to say, our skins came out piping hot in 5 mins. Okay, on to the burgers. When you place your order, you choose your burger, what sides and how you want it dressed. There is no waitress to mix it up or anything. Guess what happened? We ordered two bacon and barbeque burgers and when they came out of the kitchen, there was one bacon BBQ burger and a regular. And about 10 fries on the plate. I was furious. We ate, and we paid. I left no tip. Hopefully they understand why. I wanted to leave a note on the reciept, but the wife wouldn't let me. That was the first time in my life that I have ever left a restaurant that I did not tip. I feel kind of bad, but I think it deserved it.

Computer Illiteracy

You know what really grinds my gears (+1 internets if you know the reference)? Computer Illiteracy. Computers should require licenses. You should have to take a test, and however you perform on that test, they give you a computer that suits your skill level.

Just today, I "helped" a person with their computer. Now, lets start this out by noting that this person wasn't just computer illiterate, this person was computer retarded. I am talking having to wear a helmet when she walks into a room with a computer in it. The most frustrating thing about it is that she tries to be helpful, when she, I and everyone knows that she should put her hands in her lap and just go ahead and start licking the windows.

There are people who can learn how to use computers and then there are people who have no excuse for even turning one on. This is the same type of person who has a paper, step-by-step list, next to her computer of how to log into the damned thing. I know what you are all thinking: "Hey, have a little compassion, someone taught you." or "be nice". No, I don't want to be nice. I want to live peacefully in my own little happy world and not have to tell you for the 1000th time how to do something.

THAT, folks, Grinds my Gears.
/rantover

A week!?!

It has been a week since my last post. Why do you ask? Well, its because I have had absolutely nothing to write about. Nothing exciting or entertaining at all. The iPad was unveiled, after a breif nerdgasm, I looked and it and went: "Hey, thats a big iPhone." Nothing new, same old, same old.

On the news front, I was having a conversation about King Cakes with a friend on twitter and she had never seen or had one, I told her about the cake and the baby inside and it was decided I would mail her one. I went to the post office, stood in like with my baby-in-an-envelope and waited. I walked up to the counter and asked the lady for stamps and some postage on this letter. She grabbed it, set it on the scale and looked at me funny. "Whats in here? Anything hazardous?" My response: "A baby." Her reply: "ummm...." My rebuttal: "Its a king cake baby for a friend." She stamped it and I went on my way. See, nothing at all entertaining...

I did go do some electronics shopping this week, but it was the equivalent of shopping for toilet paper; I got a new printer (laser) and a new wireless router (that pisses me off because it has LED's on the top and I can hear them when they fire).

Well, I showed you mine, now you show me yours. How was your week?

Animal Lovers

No you sick fucks, I am not talking about sauntering up to a fin piece of sheep or anything like that, I am talking about Pets. If you read this blog that means that you probably know me, and know that I love animals. I have two Boxers; Cleopatra's Last Chance-AKA Chancey, and Belle's Dandi Darlin'-Aka Dandi.

About 4 years ago, my wife decided that she wanted to have a baby, so what rational decision popped into my head? Go buy a puppy? That's right, go buy her a freakin' puppy. So I did, but not just any puppy, I wanted an English Springer Spaniel. I called around and found some breeders, but the only color they had was black and white. I didn't want black and white, so I started thinking. When I was in college, I fell in love with this little boxer puppy, she was brindle, but more black than brown. She had gotten out of a fence and I kept her for a few mins until the owner could be found.

So, I thought to myself, lets get a boxer, but not just any boxer, I wanted a black one. So I called around to breeders and no one had one, they had heard of black boxers, but never seen one. Finally, I found a guy that had a litter of pups, all of them were taken except for the runt, a female black boxer. We went that night, checked her over, looked at her parents papers, and put a deposit down. Two weeks later, we were the proud owner of a 5.4 lb female boxer. She could fit into my hand. Now, 4 years later, she weighs in at 65 lbs.

Then, a few years ago, my wife decided that she wanted a baby again, so what was my next decision? Get the freakin' paper out and go find another puppy. We found another boxer. Dandi was the last of her litter, she had been returned to the breeder after they had had her for a week. She was 13 weeks old, and as stubborn as a mule. She is very petite, weighing in at only 46 lbs.

Besides my wife, these two little girls are my life. They work with me, eat with us, sleep with us, and sometimes travel with us. They are also the first dogs that have been "mine". Every other animal that I have had, my parents took care of, or some other situation. As a matter of fact, Dandi is the one picture above.

So, there you go...I love doggies.

Of Mississippi

Just to preface this post. I live in Mississippi, I have for a few years. I am integrated into its culture. I married a Mississippi girl, I eat southern food, and I love it here.

As a person not born and raised here in Mississippi, but from here, you get alot of questions. First and foremost from people that have never been here: Whats it like? My answer is: It is great. The people are nice, deep down. The girls are the prettiest by and large of any other state that I have been to, and yes, it does have running water and electricity. In most of the houses.

Now, let me tell you what I love about here. I love the people. Everyone is generally nice, it doesn't matter what part of town you are in, people will say hello, they will open a door for a lady or the elderly, and they still will give up a seat for a lady. Its awesome. I love being able to leave my house and go 5 mins in one direction and be in a large metropolitan city, and go the other direction and be in the woods. I love to hunt, Mississippi has some of the best hunting and fishing in the country. I love the food, if it can be fried, it will be fried.

One of my most favorite times of the year is the State fair time. I go with friends and we sit at the beer tent and people watch. You have the rooster-haired ladies of Madison county strolling around the trophies that they birthed to Ole Miss educated lawyers; you also have the people that come from the woods, that the closest thing to a group of people that they have seen in a year is the line at the Dollar General (they are getting a walmart soon).

Now, let me tell you why it is great to be from here. You learn things. You learn how to be adaptive. You learn how to be polite. You learn the tricks to a girl's mother's heart. When I was growing up out of the state, I was still raised with the values that my parents were raised with, values that might not be taught elsewhere. And ohh my god it was female Kryptonite. I have learned when to slow down my speech, put a little drawl in it and get my way.

kthnxbai

Magnolia Thunderpussy

"Magnolia Thunderpussy was a drag queen in New Orleans. She decided one day that she wanted a big ole house in the Garden District. So she sold cocaine. Magnolia Thunderpussy sold her some cocaine, she never did it, she just sold it. And after a while, Magnolia Thunderpussy had her a big ole house on St. Charles." Thank you Matt for making the quote of the week/year/lifetime.

Today, we are going a little on-topic to talk about an obsession of mine. Big Ole Titties. I do not know what it is, but I cannot resist. They are like cat-nip, herion, and chocolate all rolled into one big ole Titty of happiness for me. The smallest breasted chick I have ever dated had a 34B, the girl I dated in high school was 5'0 and had 38 DD. The girl after that was 5'2 and had 38D. My wife has big knockers, I have waited around in college to go to bed because there were sluts in one of my buddies rooms and one of them was large chested and I knew she was going to take her shirt off. I am the person that deals in Strip Poker because I know how to "shuffle" the cards in my best interest. I'm a dirty boy, and I like it.

No point to that post, just wanted to let you know.

What I Do

Today I wanted to talk about what it is that I actually do. If you ask most of the people that know me, they say: "Umm, He works from home.?." If you ask my wife, I mostly screw off at home and work just enough to keep her happy. If you ask me, I have a sweet job.

I am in the Financial Services business. I can help people with Health/Life Insurance from they time they are 30 days old, up to the time they die. I can also help with things like retirement, investing and getting out of debt. That's what I do on paper. In reality, I have an office that I never go to, a home office that I am frequently doing other stuff in and a truck office that I do most of my work in. It can be boring sometimes, and fast paced at others. I can think that I have a light day that turns into a tornado of phone calls and paperwork; or I can have a busy day that I don't really do anything. Its a crazy job but I love it. I manage to live in the nicest house I have ever lived in, afford all the toys I can handle (except for a boat, I want a boat badly), and keep the lights on. It also allows me time to do stuff like this and peruse the internet.

Now, for what I hate about my job. It seems that most people think I can drop what I'm doing at a moments notice and do something for them, like go pick up a kid or run to the store for something, but that is a price that I pay for being able to work 90% of the time in what I woke up in. As a matter of fact, I am doing it now!

Patrio-erotics

I met a gentleman yesterday that was 90 years old. He lives alone, gets around great, and has all of his mental capacities. It was great sitting down and talking with him. He was born in 1919, finished high school in military school, went to boot camp for the Army the day after graduation and retired from the Army after 25 years. After that he was a College language professor.

We talked a little about his Army service and he told me about his experience in WWII. He was stationed in North Africa fighting the Afrika Corps (i know the spelling isnt right). One day, he was to lead 30 men into a battle for an airstrip in Tunisia. During the battle, he was captured by German forces and spent the next 3 years as a POW. He was first sent to Italy, but after Italy was being taken back by the Allies, he was moved to Germany and lastly to Poland. He survived for 3 years on 300 calories a day, that was all that was given to him. When the Russians came through and liberated Poland, he and two other men decided it was time to get back to American Forces. They walked for 300 miles before they found Army comrades. It was another week before he could eat anything other than bland food.

I loved talking with him and the stories that he told, but that is just one story of millions that have fought for this country, or others throughout the years. I have a very close friend in Iraq right now. He is over there not because he wants to, but because he was told he had to be, and he left with his chin up, not knowing if he would be back. The last time I saw him, he hugged me and asked me to take care of his wife if anything happens to him. That was about 9 months ago. Nothing has happened to him, thank goodness, but that vow that I made tears me up every time I think about it.

So folks, here is what I task you to do today. Hug, wave or thank a soldier. Make his day better ladies, show him your boobs, but remember, although we do not sometimes agree with wars, the soldiers don't either, but it is their jobs; just like it is our jobs to do what we do.

Today's Topic: Grooming

Yep, that makes two days. In a freakin row! I'm feeling good about this, and kind of liking it. Today's topic, like the title says, is grooming. I am not talking about regular grooming, if you are reading this for that type of information, darlin', you are in the wrong place. I am not qualified or patient enough to tell you how to wash your ass.

Back to the topic at hand. What type of weird grooming habits do you have? An example: I have a very good friend who has to, after every time that he poops, take a shower. It doesn't matter where he is, he has to do it. He left my wedding, to go back to the hotel, to take a poop/shower. As for me, I will share two.

First of all, I have a set regimen that I follow while showering, and for some reason, if I stray from the regimen, I forget where I was (normally because I am still half asleep) and start all over again. Secondly: Man-scaping. Now, I am no metro-sexual who exfoliates and uses tinted eye cream or anything like that, but in all honesty, I am a very hairy person. And I hate it. I make sure that stray hairs are taken care of. I shave, during the winter, so that no extra hair is visible from a shirt, and during the summer, I do a little chest-bikini wax. Shoulders, top of neck and colarbone all get the razor treatment, as well as a manicured (Brazilian) back. I also take good care of the pubic area, not brazilian, but well taken care of.

What about you, my two readers, what types of grooming habits do you have that you think are quirky?

***Disclaimer--I'm sorry if you are offended or shocked about what I just wrote. If you don't like it, don't read this. This is mine, its mine!

Please Forgive me?

Okay, this is addressed to the one or two people that read this blog. I am sorry. I checked, and its been since October since I last posted?!? How crazy is that? Its not that I forgot about you. Well, actually it is. But I am really going to try to do this at least 3 times a week.

So we are coming off of the Christmas and New Year's high and going back to work. I hate it. I laid around for 2 weeks in my jammies and now I have to dress up again. I don't wanna. Christmas and New Year's were uneventful other than it is safe to say: Champagne is Satan's work. I was hungover until about 7 pm New Years Day. And I only drank a glass of the shit.

Here is what is really going on. I have 4 siblings. Myself and my youngest brother are laid back and good, my Sister and other brother are heathens. Well, my sister has no idea how a 20 year old is supposed to act, and it is affecting my mother's health, so I have invited her here with me, so that I may teach my young paduan (sp) how to be an adult, with a bank account and bills and everything. I don't know if she will come with me, but I think it will be good for her.

So, here is my question. How do you teach someone who has never had any responsibilities and never had to worry about anything, to be an adult? Do I set rules as if she was a kid? Do I give her rules as if she was an adult? Do I give her a handful of condoms and codene and tell her to not come back till there is more money than condoms/pills?